Mocking the World since 2003
Thursday, January 29, 2004Judge to R Kelly: Stay Away from Other Famous Perverts
In a bizzaro ruling, a Chicago judge banned R Kelly from speaking to Michael Jackson at the Grammy Awards. According to R Kelly's people, he had no intention of speaking to Jackson at the Grammys, and Jackson is not even planned to attend the event.
Basically this judge has ruled that one well-known sicko cannot speak to another well-known sicko. The judge better prevent R Kelly and Jacko from speaking to Woody Allen and Roman Polanksi before they all start a child brothel. BBC Wednesday, January 28, 2004Topher's Lost his Grace
Standard Deviance is a huge fan of That 70s Show, mostly because Red Forman is very similar to an overbearing dad we know. So, by association, we love Topher Grace. And we felt he did a very nice job in Traffic. But Win a Date with Tad Hamilton? We know, we know, someone has to pay the bills, but this movie looks really bad. Kinda like From Justin to Kelly. Oh Topher, what were you thinking?
He even looks cheesy in his photos now. Come on, Topher. Where's that Eric Foreskin spunk? CNN Friday, January 23, 2004Bennifer's Over
Thank god, we were sick of it anyway. Hopefully she'll get back together with Puffy. He's funny. And better with his money. You don't see him losing thousands of dollars in Vegas. Newsflash for Ben: Losing lots of money means you're a bad gambler, not a good one.
New York Post Thursday, January 22, 2004Nets Move to Brooklyn
Everyone is going bonkers over the Nets moving to Brooklyn. The New York Times has literally 5 articles covering the subject today, a map of the Net's new digs, and a timeline following their history. Newsday covers on the protests of the residents surrounding the new stadium. But no one seems to be focusing in on the most important part of this story : THE YANKEES NO LONGER OWN THE NETS!
Let's look at the plight of a Boston transplant living in New York. Such a person might like to adopt a team to cheer for in her new town, but all New York teams seem to be unacceptable: Yankees- hate them hate them hate them Mets - They beat the Sox in 86, so that's out Giants - Impossible to get a ticket for their games Jets - The Tuna left the Pats for the Jets, and there's been a rivalry ever since Hockey - Sorry, the Bostonian in question doesn't really follow Hockey Knicks - age old rivelry with the Celtics Nets - Owned by the Yankees and thus part of the Evil Empire But now, the Nets are free! Transplanted Bostonians can rejoice - we can cheer for a New York team! Buy your Net Tickets Now! Wednesday, January 21, 2004Celebrity Pyromaniacs?
New Yorkish had a piece yesterday detailing Rachel Hunter's destruction of an entire Mexican villa by leaving burning aromatherapy candles while she went out to dinner. Reading Page Six today brought on an eerie sense of deja-vu. Apparently Natalie Cole, Nat King Cole's daughter and world-renowned screw-up, set a fire in the Mar-a-lago club in Palm Beach. She was preparing to perform when her two power strips, laden with numerous beauty tools, short circuited. Following these two stories, the question begs itself: are celebrities inherently pyromaniacs? Fire brings light and attention, which celebrities crave, and it also brings death and destruction, which any E!True Hollywood Story can tell you is the fated path for most celebrities. So, watch out next time you're with a celebrity and a lighter - you may end up singed.
New York Post Wednesday, January 14, 2004Mom Wanted
Someone on Craigslist is looking for a mom. He's a 24 year old momma's boy, looking for some love.
Hey, that sounds like most of the guys I know. i need a MOM Tuesday, January 13, 2004By The Way...
New Yorkers are pissed. See how it feels to have Roger screw you over? Also, Gothamist brought up a very good question. Will he return the Hummer his teammates bought him for a retirement gift? Emily Posts says he must. New York Post Six Degrees of Michael Jackson 
It's true - members of the rubber mask club all seem to be six degrees of separation away from Michael Jackson. We've already seen that all of Jacko's relatives and David Gest are one degree away, but I wondered - could I connect him to Joan Rivers? Here we go: Michael Jackson has hired Mark Geragos to defend him against the child molestation prosecution who has hired Zvonko "Bill" Pavelic to investigate the prosecution's witnesses who used to be a security guard for Johnny Carson who had Joan Rivers as a guest host on The Tonight Show for years. 4 degrees separation between Jacko and Joan Rivers. Send in your entrants for the Rubber Mask Club and Standard Deviance will attempt to connect the member with MJ within six degrees. Mail your Entrants now! Monday, January 12, 2004Another Member of the Rubber Mask Club
I wonder if there are only six degrees of separation between every qualifying member of the rubber mask club and Michael Jackson. There's only one degree between Jermaine in Michael, but I wonder if Joan Rivers can be connected to MJ within six degrees. Also, Jermaine stated, "My brother is innocent; he is 1,000 percent innocent." Well I think he's 1,000,000 percent wrong about that. AP Rodgah Dodgah to go to Texas. Yee Haw!
Rodger Clemens is said to have signed a one year contract with the Houston Astros. Beeing the Masshole that I am, I take enourmous amounts of glee in watching Rodger and Andy Pettitte thumbing their noses up at Steinbrenner and the Evil Empire. Oh this is going to be a fantabulous year for baseball!
Take that, you Yankee Bastages!! Thos Gangstas at the New York Times Get Down with the Blingage
For those of you who want to brush up on your hip-hop marketing, don't bother with The Source or some other industry magazine. Instead, you can turn to your friends at the New York Times for a careful breakdown of new hip-hop PR. In an article entitled "Sweeten the Image, Hold the Bling-Bling" the Times' covers the change in marketing strategies of hip-hop stars. They survey such issues as the 50 Cent/Ja Rule feud, Diddy running the City, and of course the age-old classic of Dre, Snoop, and Death Row. See the following example of the Times discussing 50 Cent's multi-faceted persona:
"On the song '21 Questions' he even plays up his tender side. 'I love you like a fat kid loves cake,' he says to a paramour who stands by him while he is in prison." While I am fairly sure that 50 does not know the meaning of paramour, it's a nice little article. And it's always fun when the Times gets down with the urban youth. Fo' Shizzle. Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday Thursday, January 08, 2004Stop Mutilating Yourself!!
Liza Minnelli and David Gest were supposed to meet in court yesterday, but David did not show up. His lawyers claimed that he was unable to fly to New York from Hawaii because he is recovering from a beating doled out by Liza. To quote his lawyer, "Yesterday he had 20 injections in his head".
Hmm, let me think. David Gest. Close friend of Michael Jackson. His face looks strikingly like a rubber mask. Obviously he's had a bit too much plastic surgery. Yet, he had "20 injections in his head" to supposedly cure his injuries. Of course the injections were of some medical nature, certainly not botox. I believe that. New York Times Wednesday, January 07, 2004Sisterly Bonding Compliments of AIM and the OC
Scene: an AIM conversation between myself and my 16 year old sister
Ellen : i'm so confused about oliver Auto response from Princapessa: getting ready for beddy oc tonight- wtf? soooo goodddd Ellen: b/c according to you he's lying about who he is Ellen: but how come anna hasn't made the connection - she supposedly knew the person who really threw the New Years Eve party Ellen: I mean, obviously he's looney tunes, but still if he's lying about who he is, how is he getting them into all these places? Princapessa: yeah this is weird Princapessa: i still think hes lying Ellen: i think you're probably right and he is lying, but I think it's a hole in the story line that Anna hasn't figured it out Princapessa: yeah Princapessa: b/c they wouldn't put that in there Princapessa: i think he just knows the people who own it and hes like living there Ellen: maybe she's too busy with seth to noticed Ellen: and btw Summer is soooo NOT okay with it Princapessa: but summer isnt going to let that happen Princapessa: hahah i know Ellen: exactly You're not Seth Cohen. Tuesday, January 06, 2004By the way....
I think Britney's new man would make an excellent speechwriter for George W:
"We both started realizing what we had done," Alexander said. "Then we started telling people what we done did. That's when all hell broke loose." Daily News Couple of the Year
I'd like to name Britney Spears and her new husband, Jason Alexander, Standard Deviance's Most Ridiculous Couple for 2004.
Wait, they're annulled? Whatever, that's even better. Hail our reigning couple, Britney and Jason! Who can overturn them? Let's watch and see - I predict Ashton and a knocked-up Demi as the only possible contenders for the throne. Bennifer, you ask? Don't even start with that shit. We Love you, Britney and Jason! Sunday, January 04, 2004Dean-Clark & Spears-Durst : Two cases of He-Said, She-Said (or He-Said, He-Said)
Who knew there were such parallels in politics and pop? Wesley Clark claims that Howard Dean asked him to run as Vice President on a Dean-Clark ticket. Dean denies it. This morning on Meet the Press, Tim Russert laid into Clark on the VP issue, and Clark re-stated that Dean did ask him. Does this remind anyone of a certain Limp Bizkit frontman claiming earnestly that he got "the nookie"from Ms. Spears? The difference - I actually believe Clark, but Durst is trying WAY too hard to be believed.
Dean-Clark Spears-Durst |
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